When I started OutlawRevue.com, it was a creative outlet for me to vent a spleen or to gush over popular media that I encountered. I’ve done this sporadically over the last few years and although I’m not drawing a great deal of engagement, I’m not totally dissatisfied with the reach it’s achieving either.
I will continue to do this, but I’m now giving the site a new category that falls outside of opinions on entertainment. I’m going to start keeping a personal journal here as well.
Because I’m going through something right now that is hard for me to understand and to comprehend. I know that other people have gone through, are going through, and will go through the same thing. And they too, did, are, and will struggle. And if I can shed any light on my difficulties – in my usual flippant and casual manner – that resonate with anyone else, then perhaps OutlawRevue.com will serve to be more than just a series of essays bitching about shitty films and serve to be a source of insight for lost souls who found themselves in my lightly-trodden and dusty corner of the internet.
So, what are these struggles? I have always had trouble fitting into the world. I’ve often been a bit of an outsider. I’ve tried hard to fit in but never really felt like I achieved it… At least not to a point where I believe it. This has led to several bouts of clinical depression over the years when things become a bit too much for me to cope with.
It has happened again.
But this time is different. This time, there’s a whole new thing that reframes my entire outlook. There’s a whole new thing that totally changes the landscape on which I stand…
So far, I’m not officially diagnosed, but initial assessments indicate that I’m over two-thirds of the way up the scale… Well above the threshold where it could still go either way. On top of that, assessment teams have gone over all of the things I’ve said and have given me a list of conditions to ponder upon: –
- Autism Spectrum Condition
- Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
- Sensory Hypersensitivity
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- Clinical Depression
- Anxiety Disorder
- Emotional Regulation Disorder
- Emotional Hypersensitivity
- Borderline Personality Disorder (though this is often misdiagnosed for people with autism and ADHD)
- Post Traumatic Stress
What will follow in these journal entries are my thoughts, feelings and ponderings as I begin to unravel all of these threads. It’s a mess. It’s like that bundle of wires behind the TV-unit that you do your best to hide because they’re such a knotted and tangled ball, it would take too long to try and sort them out. Only, this bundle of wires is between my ears, and they need to be tidied up and unravelled.
While I take my journey through mental cable-management, maybe my written thoughts will provide insight for family and friends to understand why I’m incommunicative and/or moody. Maybe it will help strangers know they’re not alone if they’re experiencing something similar. Maybe it’ll just be a place for me to get words out of my head to make room for untangling things.
Whatever the case, I expect to make this a regular thing. A little like self-therapy, but I will try to keep it light if I can. I want this to continue to feel like an extension of the Rob Roy persona and not a heavy, dark, depressing presence on an otherwise fairly light-hearted website.
Watch this space for updates as I have a few things lined up to chew over. And, as always, I welcome any feedback or discussion, whether it be a comment left on a post, or maybe a private email.
And if all else fails… At least I’ll have a reference point to look back on in a years’ time and see if I’ve made any progress.